Jokes

Jokes, humor

Chinese Tortures

Jun 14th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Chinese

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying
someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?”
The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight”
The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter”
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tommorrow morning”
The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.”
“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest”.
What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle”.
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost”.

Monkey Business

Jun 14th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Animals

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink andwhile he’s drinking it the monkey
jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his
mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No,
what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t
surprise me,” replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and
stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey
starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck
a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t
surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he
measures everything first!”

Chicken Wire

Jun 14th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Sex Jokes

ONE DAY, one of the local boys walked passed this ol’ mans house carrying some Chicken Wire. The
ol’man said to the boy “Hey boy, what are you doing with that wire?” The boy said back, “Gonna catch
me some chickens Mister!”. “You ain’t gonna catch you no chickens Boy!”
A while later the boy walks past the house…the ol’ man sees a dozen chickens caught up in that chicken
wire.
Next day, the boy walks past the house with Duck Tape. The ol’ man asks “Boy, what the hell you doin
with Duck Tape?” The boy replys. “Gonna catch me some Ducks Mister!!!” “You ain’t gona catch NO
damn Ducks with that, the ol’ Man chuckled.”
A while later the boy walks past with a bunch of Ducks!
Next day, the boy walks past the ol’ Man with a Stick. “What’s are you doing with that stick boy?” asks
the man. “OH, Mister, this ain’t no Ordinary stick, This be a PussyWillow stick!”
“WAIT UP BOY, LEMME GET MY HAT!!!!” Hollers the old man………..

Blondie

Jun 14th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Afrikaans

‘n Jong juffie in ‘n minirokkie wat baie nou om haar heupies sit probeer op ‘n dag om in ‘n bus te klim. Tot haar verleentheid sit die rokkie so knap dat sy sy nie haar been gelig kry om dit op die eerste trappie van die bus te sit nie.

Effe verleë glimlag sy vir die busbestuurder, reik met haar hand na agter en trek haar zip ‘n bietjie af. Met die tweede probeerslag faal sy ook en weer gly haar hand na agter om die zippie verder af te trek, gepaardgaande met ‘n verleë glimlaggie in die rigting van die busbestuurder. Haar derde poging misluk ook jammerlik, aangesien die rokkie steeds te styf sit.

Vir ‘n derde keer trek sy die zippie verder af, maar voor sy haar been kan lig om op te klim, vat ‘n fris Westransvaler, wat agter haar in die ry staan, haar om die middel en sit haar gemaklik en sonder moeite binne in die bus neer.

Vererg draai sy om en gluur die man aan.  “Meneer”, sê sy, “ons ken mekaar nie eers nie, hoe durf jy so aan my vat!”

“Nee juffie”,  sê die man, “ek sou andersins met jou saamgestem het, maar nadat jy my gulp drie keer afgetrek het, het ek gemeen ons ken mekaar goed genoeg.”


,

Jun 14th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Grand Parents

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room…

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!

Helpful Husband

Jun 14th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Marriage

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’…
And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’
And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’…

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’
And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

Getroude Lewe

Jun 13th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Afrikaans

Drie vriendinne, een in ‘n informele  verhouding, een verloof en een ‘n lank getroude vrou, ontmoet oor ‘n paar drankies na werk.
Hulle besluit om hulle liefdeslewens bietjie op te kikker en die manne in hulle lewens te verras met ‘n stoutigheidjie.
‘n Week later kom hulle weer bymekaar.
Die enkel meisie sê, “Ek het na my vriend se kantoor gegaan met ‘n lang jas aan. Na almal weg is het ek die jas laat Val en al wat ek aangehad het was ‘n leer korset met swart sykouse en hoëhak skoene. Ons het net daar op sy lessenaar liefde gemaak.”
Die verloofde vrou sê, “Toe my verloofde by die huis aankom, het ek vir hom gewag met ‘n swart masker, korset, sykouse en hoëhakke. Ons het die hele nag passievolle liefde gemaak, en nou wil hy vroeër trou.”
Die getroude vrou sit haar glas neer en sê, “Ek het baie beplanning gedoen. Die kinders is na my ma toe, ek het ‘n lang bad geneem met gegeurde olie en my beste parfuum aangespuit. Ek het in ‘n stywe leer korset geklim met swart sykouse en ses duim hoëhakke, alles afgerond met ‘n swart masker. My man het by die huis gekom, ‘n bier en die afstandbeheer gegryp, homself op die bank neergeplak en uitgeroep…
Hei Batman, wat eet ons?
,

Iraqi rugby player

Jun 13th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Sports

The Lions manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Gauteng. Two weeks later the Lions are 18-6 down to the Bulls with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi winger the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 4 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for the Lions. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Super 14 Rugby.
“Hello mum, guess what?” he says “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 18-6 down but I scored 4 tries and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!”
“Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing rugby”
The young lad is very upset. “What can I say mum, but I am so sorry.”
“Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!” shrieks his mum, “It’s your fault we moved to Jo’Burg in the first place!”
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Boksburg Wife

Jun 13th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Afrikaans

Man in Boksburg stuur sy vrou om te gaan inkopies doen.  Sy kom terug met 3 kaste bier, 2 kaste brandewyn, 1 kas cane, 1 kas coke en 2 brode.
Hy kyk haar so toe sy die goedjies aflaai en vra :  ’Kry ons kuiermense?’
‘Nee!!’  Sê sy,  ’Hoekom ???’ vra sy.
Hy vra : ‘nou hoekom koop jy so baie brood??!!’
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Tomato Garden

Mar 20th

Posted by Sam Fourie in Jail

an old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
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